Had a self-proclaimed day-off today.
Well, not so much of a day-off, because most of my time was spent squirming on the bed due to a horrible tummy ache, but I was absent from school, so it should be counted as one.
While I feel like I've missed out on a lot, mentally and emotionally I couldn't thank myself more. Waking up at 1100 and realizing that all my friends were suffering in class, I wondered how I would survive the day with a raging bowel and exhausted brain. With the mocks recently ended and me getting my papers back, there really isn't much more turmoil that my brain can withstand. Of course, there's the official IB exams....
Thanks to a clumsily-prepared salad I made for Monday lunch, or perhaps due to the fact that my stomach isn't used to so much raw greens, I woke up yesterday from my afternoon nap with an immense tummy ache, following which... I don't think you want to know the details. The point is, being absent from school today wasn't the merriest thing, but deep down I am thankful for a breather.
School hasn't been the nicest to me recently, and I guess I can't blame anyone but myself. It's been a long journey of one and a half years, and the IB exams are only getting closer. At this point of time I am fearful. I am down, I am apprehensive, and I am insecure. Such feelings of dread weren't that obvious until the mocks inched nearer to me, and it wasn't really an issue of desperation due to last-minute studying; it was more of the feeling of unpreparedness that I couldn't seem to shake off. Some people feel this way, right? The feeling of incompetency despite having revised the necessary materials. Sometimes, the more I study, the more I feel inept.
And the vicious cycle just keeps rolling on and on and on...
I'm not deep down wallowing in depression now, but I acknowledge that I am not in the healthiest state of mind now. I guess this is what we Psychology students call burnout. Can I take this positively? My disappointment in the recent mocks hasn't served me well, but I feel as if a small part of me is raring to fight on, and at times it comforts me to know that I am not going in the wrong direction.
So today I made use of the 'day-off' to give myself an emotional and mental breather. I was weak physically, but strong in comparison to my mind. I did what I could to make myself feel good. I exercised, watched a few episodes on FOXCrime, and revised whatever I felt like revising. No restrictions, no obligations. I even baked oreo cupcakes, which I just took out of the oven and packed for the family. Everything I did today was therapeutic, and I feel rested. Tomorrow I can return to school with a smile on my face, ready to fight again. I am imagining my study break to be as productive as today, both academically and spiritually.
I wonder how long I can keep this happy spirit up?
xoxo
Valerie
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